For a very long time, my full testimony was something that I was ashamed of. And when I wasn’t ashamed of it, the narrative then became: it’s too much to share, no one would care. But for the last few weeks, I have just been reminded over and over again that my testimony is not about me. It is about every single young girl out there, every single woman out there struggling, hurting, broken. Broken because they never heard their daddy say I love you, hurting because of all the men that took advantage of them, struggling because fitting in now a days means compromising your morals and values. I was once that girl in so many different ways and in so many different facets of life. But today I want to talk about the girl who was broken from the moment she realized her dad never said I love you. The girl who one day looked up and believed that receiving love was equivalent to getting hurt in any way form or fashion because it was better than nothing. I went through THREE relationships back to back where I was verbally and physically abused by men. Before then, I was sexually abused by older men in my life such as teachers, and even coaches. The abuse that I experienced manifested into anger, manifested into hate, manifested into bitterness, but the scariest one was that it manifested into pride. Like I began to walk around like I was hot ish just to hide the fact that I was hurting so much. In hiding, I did things like smoke until I felt numb, as you see in this video. I do not even look like myself. I only associated myself with the baddest, prettiest girls and it was my way of feeling confident. I only dated men that were on certain platforms or spotlight because it was my way of being secure even if that meant suffering behind closed doors. I don’t have as many videos/pictures to show you all who I was in the past, but I have my words and I am accepting the fact that this Is enough. The enemy even as I am typing is trying to convince me that I should just stop, that I am all over the place and that I have no proof, people care to see pictures. But I will keep on typing. I have gotten punched in my face, slapped out of my sleep, scratched, choked out in front of my friends, kicked down steps, spit on my face, a gun pointed in between my eyes as I got on my knees and pulled down his pants, dragged down hallways by my hair, called out my name, told that I wasn’t anything without the particular person, all by 3 different boyfriends and all at different levels of severity. And the turning point of all 3 of those relationships ending was max. The first relationship ended in me officially snapping and reacting back to all that he was putting me through, and that particular night was me catching him cheating on me and him looking at me dead in my face like no one told you to be nosey, mind your business. I ended up in jail that night and was charged with domestic violence and had to be bailed out by my parents at 7 in the morning. The second relationship ended in me, getting pregnant, being pregnant for about 3 months dealing with a man who was bipolar and emotionally unstable and one day after hearing him say he did not want to have the baby basically, I went got an abortion and found myself the very next morning on the floor, in pain, bleeding out so much, remorseful, I hated him. And the last relationship’s turning point was us getting into a really bad argument on a high way where I threw his phone out the window, and told him to go get it because I wanted him out my car, and so he ended up snatching my phone out my hand and running out the car on the shoulder lane…. I ended up backing my car up full speed until his body flew up into the air and back down to the ground. I broke so hard and screamed. I got out the car crying realizing what I had done, he was alive but bleeding really bad. I thought I killed him. For sake of lengthiness, I will stop there. But all this to say, I have been through it. And who I am today is only by Gods grace. He saw fit to save a girl like me. A girl who was deemed as crazy, as toxic, a girl who was abused repeatedly, a girl who was suicidal, a girl who did not love herself. He picked me. He chose me before the foundations of the earth and I never saw it coming. And today, I am still working through all this pain, it doesn’t just go away, but looking back like this reminds me how far I have come. When the enemy tries to come in and taunt me about where I am at or what I am still struggling with I am reminded of the goodness of the Lord. I can confidently say I AM NOT THE WOMAN I WAS 3 YEARS AGO. I am not the same woman I was even a YEAR ago. And so I just want to encourage any woman going through abuse, or going through self worth issues, or feeling like you are stuck in your circumstances, feeling like where you are is the best you can get…. Find Jesus. He was my answer, He was my way and If I’m being honest, He is the ONLY way. Your friends cannot help you, the weed/drinking cannot redeem you. He delivers, He saves and He restores and the craziest part of it all is that HE wants to and He is waiting on you to come home. God bless you especially if you read until the end lol! (More testimonies to come as God leads).
P.S. Last year August 3rd, 2019 — my dad had a breakthrough and he told me he loved me.