Disclosure: this blog post was due like a week and a half ago. As in, I wrote it then and meant to post it - I just got caught up with life. And let me tell you... my next blog post whew, a lot has happened and changed already!
Healing.. real quick..
I learned something so real and so raw about this healing process today. And it is that to heal you have to feel. This may not be news to you, but let me tell you it is NEWS to me.
I’ve lived my entire life thinking and believing that this healing process consisted of the opposite.
“Maddie whenever you stop feeling, stop hurting, stop thinking about this person or situation, you are healed”.
I looked myself in the mirror, every single day throughout my numerous healing processes and said this to myself — to the point where it didn’t really happen, I just forced it.
Desperate to heal, desperate to be whole, I forced it.
I forced myself to not feel...
I put this wall up and this expectation that I just needed to be over the situation. There was no room to cry, no room to reminisce, no room to dream about the situation, no room to even think about it — not for a second!
This expectation has led to two different outcomes:
Trying to avoid the agony, the heaviness, the thoughts associated with the heart break, with the person, I would put something in place to distract me. This essentially helped me believe the illusion that I was better because I felt better.
I’m going to be real honest with you guys, because I know there is someone reading this who has done or is currently doing the same exact thing.
I replaced man after man — like it was nothing.
All in the name of: trying to protect my heart.
And this void filling issue can be something that roots back all the way to childhood - something that may have happened to you or something that didn’t happen to you, that has caused you to long for deep affection and attention of man. You have to ask God to reveal to you what that root is.
Mine was the lack of affirmation from my father. But the branches of this root, didn’t really come into manifestation until I met this guy that changed everything. his presence in my life has exposed so many holes within my soul and believe it or not, I thank God for it and him.
However, in that relationship I experienced rejection that I NEVER experienced before, outside of my father. If i wanted a guy, if I wanted something to go a way, it happened. And so when this wound was brought to light I had no idea how to respond. I just knew that I didn’t like it. I hated the feeling. I hated the pain. But at the same time, I liked the boy so much and I knew I wanted a future with him. So i kept moving in the relationship. Until one day, I couldn’t, let alone he couldn’t.
So now, it was like I’m feeling things twice as hard.
I couldn’t have him and now I have this “issue” where I feel unloved, unwanted, unworthy.
So you can guess what I did, I filled the void with man instead of God. The cycle continued and continued.... til the Lord snatched me out of it a couple of months ago.
now I am here.
And I just want to say, please do not void fill in the name of running away from your feelings. It leads to more destruction, more pain, more things to heal from.
The second outcome is - beating yourself up and being hard on yourself when you slip up and do “feel”. You will view “feeling” as a mistake and hold yourself in some type of condemnation.
And we all know, God isn’t a God of condemnation. In Him there is none, only freedom. Freedom to FEEL! And I haven’t necessarily experienced this one but let me tell you I am writing this blog post, because I almost did!
But God gave me this revelation and understanding in my quiet time. And all He said was “it’s okay”.
In that moment it all came full circle.
For the last few days, I kept coming into His presence repenting for missing someone, for thinking about someone.
And today He stopped me and said it’s okay..
I just broke down crying because it’s really just that— OKAY.
A healing process can’t be painless. It requires bed rest. You can’t get up and do things you did when you were healthy. And it doesn’t happen over night. It may take a month, maybe two maybe six, maybe twelve. But you need to let it happen. You need to stop trying to control it, stop putting a time on it, stop trying to figure out the outcome and the in between and just let it be.
God’s desire is for us to heal, let alone His word says “by His stripes we are healed” meaning it is already done, we just have to align ourselves with that and that’s the process. Fall in love with it.