It’s been awhile since I have been on here. Exactly a month ago.. I thought about writing every single day that I was gone but I knew that I wasn’t being led to by the Holy Spirit and so anything I would write wouldn’t be of substance. It would just be me talking. Why was I gone? I’ve been going through some serious spiritual warfare. Falling left and right and allowing whatever tripped me, to keep me on the ground spiritually. I physically got up and was able to run into the next problem but I was spiritually down and so I couldn’t fight back. It came to a point where I couldn’t even call on Jesus to strengthen me, because I just felt numb and broken. The crazy thing about falling is that the enemy tricks you into believing there is no come back. He tricks you into believing that you aren’t cut for this life, and your old life is "easier" and its "better". Easier? yeah sure but better? this was a lie that I fell right into. I went through a point where my cravings and my desires weren’t of God. I willingly began to sin. The first few times, I felt convicted but after awhile, I was just going through the motions and pushing guilt to the back of my mind. Despite the lack of conviction, I knew something was wrong for two reasons: I know that I left that life behind for a reason: so why am I going backwards? and I know that I have purpose and it doesn’t align with the things I was entertaining: how is this going to make me better? I came up with different answers that were influenced by people around me and my vulnerability allowed me to believe them.
So why was I there? I asked myself this question every single day and the conclusion I came to was that it was the enemy attacking and winning. He saw how I was elevating, he saw that I was getting closer and so he pursued my downfall. It started off with one sin and then it just became a habit. The enemy attacking is the obvious answer but then God showed me, it was deeper than this. My heart wasn’t right. It required and still does, a transformation. When God showed me this. My response was “But I already got one before, so I don’t need this”. He said “wrong, the renewal of your heart and mind is something you need to pursue every single day”. And that really hit me deep because I then figured out the root of the problem. I became complacent with my journey. I put in all this work to chase God for about 7 months straight and then thought that the work was over. I was saved and I felt good so for me that was enough. But complacency is an attribute that should never be tied to you as a believer. Because it is when you are comfortable that the enemy attacks. He feeds off of your "Ill just pray later" energy or your "Its just one drink" energy. Its like just when you think you are safe, he will attack you and try to destroy you; because your guard wasn't up. Aside from spiritual attacks, every single day has its own troubles and so if you aren’t taking them back to God at the end of each day. If you aren’t allowing God to fill you up consistently; eventually, you will burn out because you have no where to drink from and this all roots from just being comfortable with what you have.
In all this, God allows the enemy to attack, so that we can see how much we really do need Jesus in our every day lives and tasks; and that is what he did with me. As I went through this last month and a half, I believed the lie that there was no come back. I said things to myself like: “God isn’t listening to me”, “I’m not good enough”, “I messed up too many times”.
God put it in my heart that someone will read this today and relate to it. Someone reading this has been going through spiritual warfare and feels stuck. But God says “it’s when you are down, that I am closest to you”. ( ‘the Lord is near to the broken-hearted’ Psalm 34:18).
So my word to you is :
First, don't get comfortable. God fights for us every single day, and the promises that he has for us will only come if we are committed to attaining intimacy with him. Second, don’t stop praying because even when you feel like nothing is happening, SOMETHING is happening. Its easy to put off a prayer, but just remember that the most powerful thing you can do is pray, and that prayer that you put off could have been the change someone else needed or even you. Third, DON'T GIVE UP. God brung you into this life for a reason, you have a purpose that the kingdom needs. Don't let anything or anyone tell you any different. My pastor shared something with the church last Sunday that really hit home "Don't let anyone modify what God has already qualified". And lastly, this life isn’t meant to be easy. In fact it is very hard, but one thing I can say is that; it is better, trust that and you will see.
“When you’re in a dark place, you sometimes tend to think you’ve been buried. Perhaps you’ve been planted.. Bloom” - Anonymous